From Caroline N
Sobriety Date: 9-13-84
Homegroup: Rule 62 Jacksonville, AR
I was the youngest of 3 kids. I always had in the back of my mind I wouldn't ever be good enough. That thought led me to thoughts of suicide early on. I took half a bottle of children's vitamins early on because they tasted good.
My first drink was mixing whiskey and kool-aid together and putting water back in the bottle. I started drinking regularly in the twelfth grade. I would drink enough to feel good. I became a daily drinker. I went from beer and ended up drinking wine. I was introduced to drugs and continued both until all my friends deserted me. I didn't like who I was!
I began to use my money for bills on liquor and drugs. When I had no money to feed my addiction, my first thought was 'I'll sell my car!'
I knew I had an alcoholic mind because my first thoughts were always on alcohol.
I weighed 85 lbs. My neighbor told me that I looked like death warmed over. I wanted to kill myself. I cried out "God, help me!" The thought of going to school came to my mind. I knew my mind needed to be cleared. The urge wasn't there to drink for a couple of days. I got asked to go to a party and went. The next morning, terror, guilt, remorse, and fear entered my mind. The next day I went to the nurse and told her that I had a problem and that I could handle it on my own.
I went into a treatment center. Took a trip to the psych ward because I had a psychotic break. When I went to the treatment center, I would go to these meetings and there was laughter, smiles, and hugs. It was an attraction to me. I was hooked. While I was at the meetings I kept asking the person next to me if I was okay. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor. I started working on the steps. When I came to AA I already worked steps 1-3. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my Higher Power (God) lead me here.
In the treatment center, we had to write a case history. God lead me to write out the stuff that was blocking me. I did my 4th step as a case history, that was the only way I could do it in the beginning.
I hated my meemaw when I found out that she drank and did drugs. I blamed her for my mom's physical trouble. It wasn't until I came into the program that I realized that she was sick. It wasn't until her funeral that I made amends to her by taking off my cross necklace and leaving it on her chest. I felt a hand on my shoulder, I knew that it was okay and she forgave me.
In the beginning, I got the privilege of speaking at a school while on the Public Information (PI) committee. I got the privilege to work on the ARKYPAA committee. My sponsor kept telling me, in the beginning, to BE STILL. I couldn't do it because I had so many thoughts coming in my mind. What has helped me with those racing thoughts, the last 2 1/2 years, is writing Dear God letters.
It wasn't until the last 2 1/2 years that I re-visited steps 4-7. I learned about my character defects and what they were, thanks to my wonderful sponsor that I have.
I began to realize after studying the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous its main purpose is to help me find a Power greater than myself that could solve my living problems. I know to look within for the solutions. God will never let me go. He plays a big part in my heart. That is where the Great Reality can be found. I call my HIgher Power the "Spirit Of The Universe'. I read spiritual books to help me on my spiritual journey and get closer to my Higher Power. Books to tell me to be quiet and find the still small voice inside that will give me peace of mind.
All the promises of the Big Book have come true for me. I want the light of God to shine through me on other people. I share my experience, strength, and hope at meetings. I'm growing spiritually. I'm no longer hard on myself and accept that I am human. God gave me the ability to love myself and live in the NOW!!
Thank you for allowing me to be of service and sharing my story.